Honey Bee

Why I fell for him head first, when everyone else said it was so wrong...

Because he was a L-I-A-R... the greatest one that I have ever met...

Because he told me the best lies about myself that no one ever told me....

That there was no other like me...

That I was the best amongst everyone he knew....

The best driver and the most confident presenter..

That with my public speaking skills I belonged on the world stage some day...

That I was the hottest girl, his little queen and no one else's...

That my skin was baby soft, like butter, like silk...

That he lost his mind when I took his arms and wrapped him around me...

That my touch made his heart flutter more than his highest success...

That he knew every curve of my body, every look to a fault...

That our jokes were never spoken out, but always ended in a muffled laughter in a room full of people...

He stood towering over me, I was tiny.. 

He made me stand on his feet, and embraced me around the waist...

And we danced slowly for nothing...

He lifted me up to the heavens and showed me me off to the universe...

He told me I was unlimited, boundary-less, madness...

My messy hair was his nest, my cinderella feet stress balls in his big hands...

I have known love at other times too, but they don't lie to me.. about me..

He lied so much that I sometimes became those lies for him... 

And I believed those lies about myself too...

I only wish he was mine...

But he could not be..

He will always be my if-only... A LIAR... But made me a believer... My greatest liar of all...

Why didn't you leave?

Abuse is strange. Abuse has an impact that is counterintuitive. Everyone asks the abused "why didn't you leave?" 

But the same people asking the question may not be able to leave themselves and be putting up with an abuser in their own homes. 

That's how abuse works. It plays hot and cold with our minds so many times that slowly our brain dissociates from logic and the obvious solution - leaving. 

The first time I am hit, I experience shock. Then I cope thinking I must have done something and try to justify the abuser - because I love him too much + the home that I am here now feels safe + walking out is shameful. 

The second time I am hit - I try to justify it as his anger issue. I tell him it is not acceptable behaviour. And he also profusely apologises. 

The third time I revolt a little. He uses his family and friends to make me "understand" what a nice guy he is and he is trying.

Then the fourth, fifth, sixth. Slowly I begin to think that it is my fault and my shame. 

Seventh, eighth, ninth - my brain has started to accept the toxic drama as normal. Just like my mom or dad used to hit me when I was wrong. And I already have a child - they need a father, I cannot just walk away.

Tenth - it is in front of the child. He drags me by the hair and thrashes me. My child screams in fear. I come out and comfort my child - nothing has happened, daddy just got upset. Don't you see how much he does for all of us?

One day when I leave, after 7-8-10 years. People say "you should have tried harder". And only some of them ask, "what made you stay?" Notice how the victim is shamed - if you leave, it is shame, if you stayed it is shame. Because we are not aware how in a strange slitherine way abuse messes our minds.

(P.S. the above stories are a compilation of real lived experiences of different people from different walks.)