Abuse is strange. Abuse has an impact that is counterintuitive. Everyone asks the abused "why didn't you leave?"
But the same people asking the question may not be able to leave themselves and be putting up with an abuser in their own homes.
That's how abuse works. It plays hot and cold with our minds so many times that slowly our brain dissociates from logic and the obvious solution - leaving.
The first time I am hit, I experience shock. Then I cope thinking I must have done something and try to justify the abuser - because I love him too much + the home that I am here now feels safe + walking out is shameful.
The second time I am hit - I try to justify it as his anger issue. I tell him it is not acceptable behaviour. And he also profusely apologises.
The third time I revolt a little. He uses his family and friends to make me "understand" what a nice guy he is and he is trying.
Then the fourth, fifth, sixth. Slowly I begin to think that it is my fault and my shame.
Seventh, eighth, ninth - my brain has started to accept the toxic drama as normal. Just like my mom or dad used to hit me when I was wrong. And I already have a child - they need a father, I cannot just walk away.
Tenth - it is in front of the child. He drags me by the hair and thrashes me. My child screams in fear. I come out and comfort my child - nothing has happened, daddy just got upset. Don't you see how much he does for all of us?
One day when I leave, after 7-8-10 years. People say "you should have tried harder". And only some of them ask, "what made you stay?" Notice how the victim is shamed - if you leave, it is shame, if you stayed it is shame. Because we are not aware how in a strange slitherine way abuse messes our minds.
(P.S. the above stories are a compilation of real lived experiences of different people from different walks.)
