There is no scope of expressing yourself
with him. He wants everything to run like clockwork upon his wishes.
I know
that you do not have a way to talk about your displeasure. Instead of
understanding the reason behind what made you upset, and like a healthy parent
discussing a solution, his fragile ego takes any contention to be his failure -
you must know that already, my five-year-old.
He wants you to smile at his
stunts because it is a trophy for him, one that validates him. His life is a
true social-media con – glittering smiles, twinning and winning, sparkling
festivals, bunch of friends wooing Johnny Bravo. And you must fall in line,
finding comfort in every Christmas tree he brings home, every Lego he imports
from somewhere to be able to show the world that he is giving you the best. The
best of dresses, ribbon on your tresses, colour for your books, piano lessons,
ballet shoes or football. He will give you everything that you want, but never
the attention that you seek. Between what you seek and what you get, he will
always leave some gap. And you will learn rather quickly that you must chase
after that mirage that will never be.
You will also have a few more
lessons – you will be taught that expressing your displeasure is a punishable
offence. Punishment includes withholding of affection and availability, the silent treatment if you will, the long face and hollow look.
You
better listen to him – your mum will teach you how! She knows the rules. The boardgame
was supposed to be theirs together. But she is all but a pawn now. He throws a
six, she moves six places. He throws two, she takes two steps. He overturns the
board – she waits on the floor to be picked up when he starts a new game. The
game is completely his!
So, she knows the rules. She has
been played long enough – she is used to it clearly that playing by his rules
comes naturally to her. You must worship the hands that roll the dice. Else,
she will tell you off for being too demanding. Your grandma will put on your
five-year-old shoulders the responsibility of holding together their marriage. “Hush child! You must not speak a word about it outside” – they will tell you. “Get
cute with your father, swish your dress like a doll; that’s how their marriage
will be saved, else…. (it’s all your fault!)”
Your father will make mistakes –
and yet you must count on him and treat him like an alpha. We know that he is
afraid of being called out. He has a fragile ego. He is a broken child inside.
Perhaps he was told off for being “a weak
sissy”. And that was when he decided that strength meant not expressing
yourself loud.
And you will get treated the same way, child.
This abuse will feel familiar, it will be normalized by the archaic societal
templates. And then one day when you grow up, you may learn to revolt, to hold
your ground. But do not worry since you will have a crush – insanely, stupidly -
on a knight who will come galloping to your doorstep brandishing his sweet new narcissism.
And it will feel so familiar – this alpha thing, the love-drama, the gallantry!
Not before long will you notice that you will have fallen in love with your father’s shadow all over again!
